Sharing some writings

For anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy writing. Music or poetry what have you. Its a escape. Its a entry. Its who I am. If I didn't have my writing I would 10-1 be back in therapy or just losing my mind. So I decided to share one of my writings today with you guys. Hopefully you enjoy it. Its personal but its part of me.

I will climb into myself and observe the person I have become. For I am a creation [made] of myself. A shell in which I have become. The world made of my fantasy, far from the reality. Shake and tremble as I shatter. It never really mattered. I am neither here or there. I'm not much of anywhere. We all live. To come and go. Like a shadow, living in a ghost. The reflection of laughter. Filled with sorrow of whom it mimics. Laughter no longer lives here. Alone in a box. Compacting, decomposing, empty of life.

The rest of this piece is far more personal then I would care to share. But obviously I have felt things in life that most of us unfortunately can share expressed mutual feelings on. Sometimes I feel like even if no one reads this it helps. But sadly the feelings will always remain burned into my history.

I also contemplate taking pieces of this and turning them into part of a song I have been working on. Sharing my music is hard fro me to do. I judge myself to hard to brace for others judgment.

Modeling, What it means to me

*Modeling*

As some of my followers & friends may already know, I do modeling as a type of fun hobbie. It isn't what makes up who I am but rather helps me by providing a outlet to myself. For a few years now I have gone back and forth to this form of expression, but have done more so as of currently. It has helped me to see the side of myself so many others have pointed out that I fail to notice myself.

Like I wrote earlier today I have my insecure moments (allot actually). So I decided to share some of my recent work here with you guys. You can find more via the facebook link at the top of the blog headline bar.

These images were taken mid June. And yes, that is plastic wrap I am wearing. Like I said modeling allows for me to open up to new ideas or ways to express myself. I can't lie at first it was a bit odd and I felt very silly. But after some time it was kinda cool. I'm still trying to find my middle ground on how far I wish to work on these ideas. I would do artistic nudes if not for the fact that it could hinder myself so much in the future career wise.

To anyone else whom, like myself, feels insecure I say screw it. Open up your horizons. Live a little. I don't expect anything from what I do. Its just for experience of life and to say I had enjoyed every moment given the chance. And if I happen to gain something from this hobbie so be it.

***Notice***

If you are a photographer, makeup artist, or hair stylist I am able to be contacted through either my facebook page, email (which is listed on my facebook info) or model mayhem. All links ARE provided at the header of the blog. Thanks in advance for any interest, comments, follows, or support that comes from this point out.

Hi and welcome

So I decided I wanted to get this thing up and going again from a-new. So please feel free to follow along. I will be basically sharing random thoughts, experiences or anything else I feel fit to share.

Topic of insecurity

I had a discussion on my tumblr inbox today with another tumblr user. During this discussion I said something that rings very true. It was during a discussion on how we as human beings tend to miss the beautiful aspects of ourselves. 

"Its all we really can hope for. To get better. I'm starting to feel that its human instinct to tear yourself apart bit by bit and forget about the good bits that are what create us. Only left to feel odd and out of place once we put ourselves together again." -PghStitches

 As I wrote these words I realize the truth in it. Our personality, our physical characteristics, our existence. It is all like a giant jigsaw puzzle, or even a work of art one might say. We, being our biggest critics, begin to second guess if we are putting it together correct or not. So we start to skip or over look important parts. And all we are left with when we are done is a collapsing structure in which we don't know.

I to am guilty of doing so. I find myself doing it all the time. My insecurity with my looks or personality. Time in/out again and again I am told my views upon myself are wrong. Yet we sit in closed rooms and think simply these people looking in are simply insane.

Basically what I am saying here is it is always easier to give the advice in which we should follow ourselves. And sadly we seem more willing of this advice when it comes from strangers. Only to later down the road repeat the neglect of which we seek. The confirming acknowledgement of who we are.

As humans we strive of compliments and attention. We will destroy someone just to feel better. And once we succeed in destroying that person we will be there to fix the insecurity in which we created. Why? To help mend the issues of insecurity of which we bred inside of us. Its sad and yet a beautiful ability that we all can do without a second thought.

I am guilty of these insecure feelings. For example my biggest issue is if I put on weight. Such as I have lately. Not a massive amount. Just a small, what others around me call normal, amount of stomach weight. I am always fluxing in my size. But I have always been a comfortable size 5-7. Lately that size has been to a 10-12. And this causes me to panic with myself. So I change how I eat. Become down upon myself again. Sometimes I forget to eat. Nothing I do changes from the type of foods I eat to my exercise. I don't eat bad and I walk everywhere I go if not on bus. Lately this insecurity causes me to sleep. And that consumes me. Sleep. I can lay in blissful coma for hours on end. Sleep is where I am most comfortable with myself. I am not judged in my sleep. I do not judge me in sleep. I am blank and empty.

So I guess what I am saying here is we can all become lost in these feelings. We can only hope to get "better" in time. But the bigger question is do we ever truly get "better" and does that even exist in today's society??